I witnessed a gesture of unconditional love

September 23, 2011 - So tired and exhausted from the day's activities and the lack of sleep since I got back to Cebu from Saudi for an emergency leave to see and be with my sick mother. I can't sleep so I decided to open my laptop and check my emails, FB and my blog sites. Unfortunately, there was a problem with the provider so internet and phone connections were disrupted.

To pass the time, I did some laundry. Instead of using the washing machine, I opted to hand wash the clothes. I was thinking of just washing 5 pieces of the dirty clothes but I end up finishing 2 large basins full of dirty clothes. I felt I'm releasing my emotions, the pain I felt every time I knead and wring the dirty clothes. I started at around 11 p.m. and was surprised to know that I finished my laundry at 2 a.m. the following day.  My hands were a bit sore and swollen from hand washing the laundry. Still can't sleep so I decided to fold the clean clothes in my room.


After all the laundry and folding, I went to check my mother in her room. There, I saw my dad still awake, sitting on his favorite rocking chair opposite mama's folding bed.
 
Mama's breast cancer has now spread to her brain. Most of the tumors were found on her right brain. Fortunately,  Mama have not yet experienced the excruciating pain most brain cancer patients did. Doctor's advice is to keep her awake 'cause there is a tendency she will be in a state of coma if she gets into a deep sleep.
 
I asked my dad why he was still awake at 3:30 a.m. His oxygen was not attached so I guess he was alright. My dad is a stroke victim and can't speak properly or have slurring words as his speech was the one affected. He just pointed at mama with some murmuring sound. I understood why my dad was not yet sleeping.  My dad was fully awake the whole night and did not go to sleep because he was watching over mama.
 
I felt pride when I realized the gesture my dad did. Even with his condition, he wanted to let mama know that he cared. He may not tell mama in words but he showed it in his actions. They fight every now and then. But that night, I just witnessed an unconditional love from my dad to my mama.
 
When mama got hospitalized, my dad doesn't want to eat because he was used to having mama around, taking care of him and his food. On the other hand, even if Mama's at the hospital, her mind was always with Daddy, thinking if he was able to take his food on time and had his oxygen on time too.
 
My parents went through the normal marriage ordeals and trials but they were able to overcome all the challenges in life. Yet, they are still together, through thick and thin.

I always dreamt of having a companion, my best friend who will be with me with the rest of my life. I envy those couples in the prime of their lives who still manage to hold hands, laugh at each other in the public.  But never did I realized, that the picture perfect couple I wanted to have will be witnessed by me at this time through my parents. Perfect gestures are not always seen in public but more in the privacy in our lives, away from the eyes of the people.

I am a living proof of my parent's roller coaster marriage and the family they built. A family they made and kept for the past 40 years. A test of time and love.

Family time is over. Time to go back to Saudi Arabia and work

I am back again here on blogging, after days of not writing anything. I am already in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia but got sick maybe due to change of weather or because I miss my family so much already. Now that I am able to compose myself and organize my thoughts, I am ready to start the ball rolling.

On the evening of July 15, 2011, the night before my flight back to Riyadh, I had some last-minute instructions to Mama on her medicines and her oncologist's appointment on June 18, 2011. We were not able to meet with her oncologist after the radiation that day because he was already on his way for an out-of-town trip.

Mama was lying on her folding bed (she prefers to sleep and rest there than on her bed as she feels comfortable on it) tired, sick and a little in pain. This was her last day of the 20 cycles of radiation therapy for her bone cancer. I was controlling my emotions while talking with Mama. After sometime, I again saw pain in her eyes while staring at me, trying to hold her emotions.

A slice from our talk.

Me : Ma, don't forgot what I have told you, drink your medicines and go to your doctor's appointment on Monday. My flight will be tomorrow, so, no one's going to remind you every now and then.

Mama : (She just nod but you can see the sadness in her eyes). Can I go with you to the airport tomorrow?

Me : Ma, you are still weak, you cannot stand the heat, it will just make you tired. Just stay here and rest, I will be fine.

Mama : I will be ok, I just want to go and send you to the airport.

Me : Ma, don't be hardheaded, you just stay here and rest. Krystal, Oliver and Aireen will send me off tomorrow, don't worry.

Mama : (Gently rubbing her chest (sternum) where the radiation was done, trying to ease some pain and then, that look in her eyes, again) Weng, it's like I am going to get more sick. It's like now that you're leaving, I feel so weak and sick. I will not be here for so long.

Me : (Uh-oh here we go again. This time, I am really trying to control my emotions and my tears from falling - really trying hard. What came to my mind was, not this time Ma. I am about to go back to Saudi. I was thinking that we might bring her to the hospital anytime) Ma, there you go again. Don't think about it. You will be fine, just take your medicines religiously. I am going to Saudi tomorrow, I don't want to leave you like this. Don't make this hard for me Ma.

Mama did not say a word but just kept on staring at me. I don't know what was on her mind at that time as I see the tears start to form at the side of her eyes. To hide from mama my own tears, I made some excuses again.

Me : You will be fine ma, don't worry. I will go to my room and start packing my things as I have not done even a single shirt. (I patted mama's shoulder). You will be fine, Ma. Everything's going to be fine.

I hurriedly left the room because I can't hide my tears anymore. There, I cried. I don't want her to see me so weak and in tears. I always try to hide my tears and my being weak from her. I want to show her that I am strong, when truth is I am not.

Morning of July 16, 2011 - Mama woke up early and prepared my breakfast. She again asked me to let her go with us to the airport but I insisted she stay and just rest. When time for me to leave the house, I hugged everyone, my dad, my grandmother, Nanay Turing who is 88 or 89 years old cried and said, Weng you will go again, we will not see each other anymore. I asked her why she said that? Nanay replied, I am old already, my time is almost over. I might die while you are not here. I tried to calm her and said, Nanay, you will still be here when I have my next vacation, we will still see each other.

Last but not the least, I hugged mama so tight while reminding her again of her medicines and doctor's appointments. This time, I let my tears fall freely as I hugged Mama. I did not let go. I just hugged her. Mama cried too. Out of nowhere, a voice said, Nang (Ate) you know how to cry? My brother Oliver teased me.

At the airport, my daughter hugged me so tight. Again, emotions rolled but it was a silent one, no loud crying or whatsoever. Haller??? I don't want to make a scene at the airport, I have seen too much crying there. I reminded my daughter of the advises I gave her. To look after her grandparents, to check that the medicines are taken on time by Mama, the oxygen of my father, that she should take care of herself also as she is already a teenager, never to trust someone whom she doesn't know, to study well, be a good girl, etc. Well, what else can I say?

The hardest part of a vacationing OFW is when we are about to go back to the foreign land where we get our bread and butter. The thought of leaving our loved ones again. The thought of not being there to see and watch my daughter grow into a lovely young lady. Not there to give her advises, comfort and a shoulder to lean on when she is down and out. Just so hard. But I have to sacrifice a little so that they will have food on their table and be able to experience a little comfort in life.

While writing this, I miss my family so much so I called up home, talked to Mama and my daughter. Mama was resting when I called up. She was not feeling well as usual. She said she feels so tired, exhausted though she did not do anything much today. Her shoulders feel weak and her back was painful also. Well, I was not able to control my feelings, I cried. Mama asked me why I cried, I just told her, I miss you so much. She gave a weak laugh and said, we miss you too. If you feel alone, get the bible and read or just pray to God. If you miss someone, just pray to God. (I know who she meant by this but I just did not comment). I ended our conversation with, I love you, Ma.

Yes, always and always, God is my companion. It seems that God sent me to Saudi so that I can be near Him and talk to Him every time. It's not that I did not have time with God when I was in the Philippines but being here and alone brings me more closer to God. When I miss someone so dearly, I just talk to God and cry my heart out. God is my strength when I am weak.

Emotionally down but positive attitude is working in on me now...

Hormones oh hormones, don't worry I will not blame you this time. I have many pending blogs in my draft but thing is I just start few lines but can't seem to compose and finish everything.

Few days ago, some things were juggling in around my mind and heart. In short and long sentences, I'm emotionally down (again!) but not the max. I don't want to fret over my love life (kuno). I am hurt but I don't want to plunge into emotional outburst at this time because this can only ruin my mood and my being "me". I will just leave everything to God. He knows better than me. I also don't want to cry over mama's condition. Even how hard I tried to tell and assures myself that it's going to be ok. That I have accepted or I can accept if ever something happens to Mama sooner or later but those were just words and nothing but words as I still feel pain  and cries every now and then if I think about losing her.

When I woke up early this morning at around 3:30 a.m., I wanted to join the dawn rosary at Carmelites Monastery at 4:00 a.m. but my daughter was sleeping tight with matching cute snores in between.  I did not woke her up then because this is the time she can recover from lack of sleep as she wakes up at 3:30 a.m. everyday for school.

Woke up at around 9 a.m. and was feeling self-pity. Hmmmm don't want to feel this way. I want to make my day happy and  positive despite all these trials. Lots of things to do were running at the back of my mind. Facial, body massage, foot reflex, belly dancing in the afternoon, do laundry, watch movie, eat pizza, etc, etc, etc.

I then decided to do laundry using my precious hands and not the washing machine - hand washing is best. I asked my daughter to help me with the laundry with her school uniforms. It's also a great bonding time and I was able to talk some things with her while washing our clothes. I then told her, we will watch 3D movie later at SM. She got excited. I have only 2 weeks more to go before I go back to Saudi Arabia and she wanted to have more time with me. Same here, I wanted to have more time with them too. We might watch Transformers or Green Lantern, it  depends on her preference later.

So many things to consider when you are emotionally down. Before, when I feel this way, I just cry at the corner of my room and emote to the max. Feeling self-pity and asking so many why's in the world without a single reply. Now, I can say I have grown a little mature I guess from all the trials I have gone through. I am not saying I will not cry because crying is good also in relieving kept emotions. But at least I can divert and replace my negative emotions to something that can elevate my hormones to a positive and happy attitude.

Positive attitude is a little thing that makes a difference.