At the lowest point of my life - (battling breast cancer with Mama)

Today, I must be at the lowest point of my life. No sleep since last night. Eyes swollen from crying. Around 4:00 a.m. Riyadh time, I was informed that Mama was already admitted at Chong Hua Hospital. She cannot bear the pain anymore. Her right chest bone where the breast cancer metastasized was giving her this unbearable pain she is experiencing now. A slight movement, a simple sigh is already a torture for her.

When I knew she was already settled in her room, I phoned my brother hoping to talk to mama. Words failed mama and the only sound she can produce was a painful, groaning sound. It tears my heart apart hearing mama's painful voice. It is a different scenario when you hear, see and witness a relative, specially your mother suffering from a killer disease than just hearing stories from other people. It is so hard for me considering I am miles away from her. I cannot even give Mama the healing touch of a daughter.

The pain-killer administered intravenously to mama does not do her good anymore. The excruciating pain is like killing mama slowly. My Aunt Ida, a doctor based in Germany, advised that mama's current pain-killer be changed to morphine, a stronger pain killer, as soon as possible.

I remember Mama's best friend Nang Nimfa who happens to be my wedding Godmother was struck by this deadly disease, breast cancer. She had stage 3 breast cancer when it was detected. Mastectomy to both breasts was done. One day, while on her way to the hospital for a chemotherapy session, the taxi she was riding on jumped when it hit a pothole in the road. After that, she felt numbness and was shocked to realize that she cannot move her legs and body. After a thorough laboratory tests, it was then she knew her breast cancer has metastasized to the bone, actually her spinal column, paralyzing her. She stayed in the hospital most of her remaining days, very skinny and fragile. She lost the battle to breast cancer a year after that taxi incident .

I lost a good friend to cancer. She was my office mate before and was on her late 50's. Days before she succumbed to breast cancer, she was so lively, talkative, pretending as if everything was alright with her . Friday, she did not report to work. Few days after, we visited her at the hospital not knowing that would be our first and last visit. We bade goodbye to her to go back to work. surrounded by her family, she breathed her last .

When Mama's oncologist spilled the beans to us, that Mama will have 6 months to a year to live, I hardly can't believe him. You are lying, I told doctor. He was lying, only God knows what will happen. It's like we are racing against time to get mama healed of this cruel disease only to realize that life is not ours to keep. It is hard to accept things like this, in this kind of situation. Maybe, God gave us time to be with Mama, time to prepare ourselves of the unexpected. Time to ask forgiveness of all the pain we gave Mama all these years. To show Mama our love and appreciation for all the things she has done for us. To give back to Mama the love and care she showered upon us when we were still young and even until we are grown-ups. Time to look back and appreciate that undying love of mama to her children.

The only thing that we can do the most for mama is to be at her side and support her emotionally. Maybe this can at least lessen the pain she is experiencing now. And let her know that everything will be alright. Everything will be fine because God loves her so much and will not abandon her because we trust in God's love and mercy.

I am glad that I have friends who showed their emotional support to me and my family. I am glad I have my family to be with during this crucial time. I am glad I have my best friend, my LOML with me who is always there to give me emotional support and encouragement eventhough we are continents away.

Hold on Mama, please. (Mama has metastatic breast cancer stage IV)

I will be home in the Philippines soon, availing my annual vacation. The excitement I felt the past few days turned into some sort of unfathomable sadness, helplessness and despair. I have lined up activities for us specially the Hong Kong trip although their passports were still not yet released until now but we were not losing hope.

Early this year, me and mama's Oncologist discussed on things and possibilities. I mentioned to the doctor about mama's unwillingness to go further treatment and laboratory tests as last January while having her MRI, she had a mild attack (doctors said it was mild heart attack) and was unconscious for 8 hours. From there, she declined all laboratory tests and said, she will only do so if I am there with her.

The Oncologist told me, just give what your mother wants at this time. If she wants to go to places and if you have the means then go. So I told the doctor, I will go home in May or June but he said, that is too far, why don't you do it now? When your mother still has the strength to appreciate the vacation. I told him I can't because my vacation is on May. Then he said, May or June might be too late for her. As for her condition, you will see she is A ok now, but you don't know what will happen the next day. (the doctor said she will have a year or less than a year to be with us) I did not believe the doctor and told him, she will be fine doc. I was so positive that Mama will be fine and can make the planned holiday I was preparing for her.

The succeeding discussions I had with the doctor, he told me that these days, we will just focus on how to relieve or alleviate the pain she is experiencing. 

Lately, Mama's condition is getting worst. I know she is hiding something from me every time I call her.  She always wear a smile and says don't worry about me I am fine and I am healthy. Always carrying the positive attitude with her. Few days ago, she was not able to talk to me on the phone because she was confined to her bed and was complaining of pain on her chest where the bone cancer is located. (Mama has stage IV breast cancer that has metastasized to her bone and recently to both lungs)

Today, I called up and asked her about what she felt. It's only now that I knew that she can't get out of bed without the help of someone and even need assistance in changing her clothes.  Raising her hand is already an effort for her. Her pain reliever is not doing good to her anymore too. She has to increase the dosage or change it to a more stronger one.

For months and years, I have been trying and searching the internet for clinics that offer free or less medical fees for patients with cancer. I knew that Singapore have good clinics in terms of cancer and that is one reason why I wanted to go to Singapore.To check on whether I can get some help or some medicines or just anything to relieve her pain.

They said bone cancer is one of the most painful cancer one has to endure. Though some said, even if I am facing this kind of crisis, I also need to unwind to release stress.

Many people find me as a strong person.  Having a positive attitude is helpful but it is easier said that done when you are actually in the middle of this bout with cancer. I always project myself with a smile and a positive attitude. But what they don't actually know is that I am dying inside.

Mama, please hold on. I love you Mama.