I'm sorry mama - I'm glad I let down my ego and ate my pride

Mama's wish while I'm still in Cebu for vacation was to go to Simala in Lindogon and St. Benedict's Monastery in Carmen. It's quite hard to materialize these requests considering we don't have our own car, my brother is not around to driver us and mama's health is a bit fragile these days.

God is good and have heard my prayers, according to His will, as always. My brother went home last Monday from Cagayan de Oro so off we went to Simala yesterday morning. It was a 2 hours drive from Cebu City to Lindogon, Sibonga. Mr. Sun was so hot and it triggered my migraine.

Hungry, tired and sleepy but we have to fill our stomachs to get us going. So, we had our breakfast in one of the carenderia in the vicinity the church.

The Church has really improved this time from the last time I visited this place. After a hearty breakfast, we then walked our way to the church choosing the good old route going to the altar and not the steep new stairways.

I thanked God for all the blessings that come my way. Small and undetected blessings that were often neglected to acknowledge and the big ones that were so obvious and vivid. After thanking God, I then started to pour out my emotions. My feelings of emptiness due to reasons, I don't know. Even then, I still feel blessed and I know God is working on His love on me. I just don't know how but I know He is there for me and for us. Negative emotions were slowly eating me up but I fought with it because I don't want to feel self-pity.

After a heart to heart talk with God and crying my heart out, I feel light and was looking forward for a bright and beautiful day.

We got home past 1:00 in the afternoon. We were about to go to Cebu Doctor's Hospital for mama's radiation therapy when my patience was tested. I was a little or say irritable at this time because of lack of sleep and I was not feeling well the past few days too.

                                            The one I sent to mama

An issue over a flip-flop I sent home for Mama triggered the misunderstanding that lead to me talking back to mama. I was asking her why she did not use the flip-flop and the reply I got from her was she doesn't have any. Well, it was there but it just that lately, mama's memory is not working good as it used to serve its purpose. She can't even name the color. She insisted that I only sent a brown one and not violet and it's not like the Ipanema that I was wearing. I told her that it's not really like mine but I was referring to the brand and the design of the rubber.

                                  The one I have but in orange color.

Mama was so angry that she left for the hospital without saying a word. I did not go after her because I was also mad and thing is I am not yet done preparing myself as I just took shower. I just went to SM for grocery. When I got home that evening, I was so guilty considering that we just went to church that morning and was asking for forgiveness for all my sins and yet I am here doing something that hurts my Mama.



I took out from the plastic bags what me and Krystal bought from the grocery store and gave to mama everything. I bought some food and rice for their few days supply as I am going back to Saudi in few days. At first Mama did not talk to me and told them that she was not feeling well.



I went back to the kitchen and ate my dinner. After sometime, Mama went to the kitchen and started talking to me. I then walked to mama and embraced her and said with tears "I'm sorry Ma. I just lost my patience this morning.". Mama, mother as she is, accepted my apology.



Lesson learned:

I have this attitude of "If you will not talk to me, then don't, who cares". It is really hard to say sorry and to utter the line "I'm sorry" to someone if you let pride and ego get in your way. But it is always a good feeling when you humble yourself, accept your fault and your weaknesses. A sorry that is coming from the heart will set you free from guilt and pride.

It is also another story to say sorry to someone even if you're not at fault. But if saying this magic word will make you feel free from negative energies, then by all means say it. It will make you feel good inside and out. It will not cost you anything but just good vibes that will radiant from the inside.

Know the bottom line of the issue. Ponder who made the mistake, if it's you or the other party. Then decide, should you make the first move or not. What are the consequences if you do either of the two? Will it affect your ego and your being you that you are trying to project? And if so, what's your next move? What is the price one has to pay for if he says sorry? At the end of the day, it is still you who will decide for yourself.

I have an ego and pride. But I'm glad I did let my ego down and swallowed my pride.

At the lowest point of my life - (battling breast cancer with Mama)

Today, I must be at the lowest point of my life. No sleep since last night. Eyes swollen from crying. Around 4:00 a.m. Riyadh time, I was informed that Mama was already admitted at Chong Hua Hospital. She cannot bear the pain anymore. Her right chest bone where the breast cancer metastasized was giving her this unbearable pain she is experiencing now. A slight movement, a simple sigh is already a torture for her.

When I knew she was already settled in her room, I phoned my brother hoping to talk to mama. Words failed mama and the only sound she can produce was a painful, groaning sound. It tears my heart apart hearing mama's painful voice. It is a different scenario when you hear, see and witness a relative, specially your mother suffering from a killer disease than just hearing stories from other people. It is so hard for me considering I am miles away from her. I cannot even give Mama the healing touch of a daughter.

The pain-killer administered intravenously to mama does not do her good anymore. The excruciating pain is like killing mama slowly. My Aunt Ida, a doctor based in Germany, advised that mama's current pain-killer be changed to morphine, a stronger pain killer, as soon as possible.

I remember Mama's best friend Nang Nimfa who happens to be my wedding Godmother was struck by this deadly disease, breast cancer. She had stage 3 breast cancer when it was detected. Mastectomy to both breasts was done. One day, while on her way to the hospital for a chemotherapy session, the taxi she was riding on jumped when it hit a pothole in the road. After that, she felt numbness and was shocked to realize that she cannot move her legs and body. After a thorough laboratory tests, it was then she knew her breast cancer has metastasized to the bone, actually her spinal column, paralyzing her. She stayed in the hospital most of her remaining days, very skinny and fragile. She lost the battle to breast cancer a year after that taxi incident .

I lost a good friend to cancer. She was my office mate before and was on her late 50's. Days before she succumbed to breast cancer, she was so lively, talkative, pretending as if everything was alright with her . Friday, she did not report to work. Few days after, we visited her at the hospital not knowing that would be our first and last visit. We bade goodbye to her to go back to work. surrounded by her family, she breathed her last .

When Mama's oncologist spilled the beans to us, that Mama will have 6 months to a year to live, I hardly can't believe him. You are lying, I told doctor. He was lying, only God knows what will happen. It's like we are racing against time to get mama healed of this cruel disease only to realize that life is not ours to keep. It is hard to accept things like this, in this kind of situation. Maybe, God gave us time to be with Mama, time to prepare ourselves of the unexpected. Time to ask forgiveness of all the pain we gave Mama all these years. To show Mama our love and appreciation for all the things she has done for us. To give back to Mama the love and care she showered upon us when we were still young and even until we are grown-ups. Time to look back and appreciate that undying love of mama to her children.

The only thing that we can do the most for mama is to be at her side and support her emotionally. Maybe this can at least lessen the pain she is experiencing now. And let her know that everything will be alright. Everything will be fine because God loves her so much and will not abandon her because we trust in God's love and mercy.

I am glad that I have friends who showed their emotional support to me and my family. I am glad I have my family to be with during this crucial time. I am glad I have my best friend, my LOML with me who is always there to give me emotional support and encouragement eventhough we are continents away.