July 7, 2011 - At around 11:00 in the morning, Mama came back from her radiation therapy, tired and a little in pain. I did not go with her this time because I was tired and sleepy. I went to her room to check on her and to know her condition at that moment. She was lying on her bed, touching and lightly massaging her sternum (chest bone) to relieve the pain.
Me : How do you feel Ma? Is it painful?
Mama : I am a little tired and the chest bone is a little painful. (a little painful is what she said but looking at her face, I guess it's not. She touched the chest bone and massaging it lightly to relieve the pain)
She flinched now and then so I asked her the degree of pain she is experiencing.
Me : Why don't we go to the hospital now so that you will be given proper pain reliever?
Mama : NO, I don't want. (The usual reply if we mention the word hospital and a trip to her doctor. This time, Mama was describing the pain she felt). I feel that there is a ball, like a small ball of like water that is running from one point to another when I touch it. It's really unusual because during my first radiation, I did not feel so much pain and tiredness. I guess this is what the doctor have told me. That I will soon feel pain and discomfort and fatigue. This radiation is not good this time. People see me as if I am very well and not having any pain at all. What they don't know is the suffering and pain I am having inside of me. (She then smiled while wincing and touching her sternum.) There is a striking pain from the inside specially when I breath that I can't describe. It's like the pain is here (pointing at the middle of the chest) and goes down to here (pointing at bone under her armpit and side). It's like my days are really over.
Me : There you go again. Ma, the pain and discomfort are side effects of radiation. Radiation according to the doctor will inhibit further growth of cancer cells. Also, it can lessen the pain and shall give you more quality life. Do you want that we will go to the beach? We stay overnight there so that you can also relax and enjoy the sea breeze.
Mama : But you don't have money anymore. Also, I can't leave daddy behind, no one's going to take care of his food. (My dad had a stroke 13 years ago and cannot talk properly. He walks by dragging his right leg and is on oxygen - for life.)
Me : We'll if you want, we will just stay at the beach until afternoon and be back home in the evening. Ma, I will be back to Saudi next Saturday. I want you to relax and enjoy even for a day and not think about any problems.
Mama : I wanted to go to Simala and St. Benedict's church in Carmen before I will leave and while you are still here.
Me : (another round of sentimental moment) Mama, stop saying you're going to leave and this and that. You're still going to have more time with us. I will call Jun (my brother) if he can come home so that he can drive us there and I will just look for a transportation, maybe rent one.
Mama : Can you come with me to the hospital tomorrow because I don't want to talk to the doctor. (truth of the matter is, Mama is afraid of what the doctor might tell us.)
Me : Sure, I will go with you tomorrow. (I assured mama that everything will be alright and no need for her to fear anything. When I was still in Saudi, Mama doesn't want to go the her doctor for check up or have laboratory tests and told me, I will only have all those tests and the treatment if you are here already.)
Mama : (Lying on her bed, she turned her head on me as I am sitting on her side. She looked at me straight in the eye, teary-eyed, sad and said) Weng, I am already used to your presence. (She uttered this as if telling me not to go back to Saudi and be with her).
Me : Ma, I feel like going to the CR, call of nature. I will be back. (I felt a striking pain right through my heart upon hearing her say this. I can't seem to control my tears and emotions at this time so I tried to find a better excuse so that she will not see my tears falling.)
I quickly went out of her room and went to my room and cried. It's a hard decision to make, really. I have to go back to Saudi to work so that I can support her treatment, medicines, utility bills, daughter's schooling and their daily bread. Not only Mama's medicines but my dad too. How I wish I could divide myself and be in two or three places at the same time.
Most of the time I argue with Mama because of her points of views about her situation now. She even acted strangely already like setting aside her things for those who wanted to use her stuff in the future. Leaving us instructions on what do with her when the time comes. At least now, she has accepted "death" lightly in her heart, though I know, it's not wholeheartedly yet as she keeps on telling me, "I want to leave seeing you my children in good hands and with good life."
I am just a simple human being with trials in life that only God knows how I was able to face, handle and overcome. I have personal issues that are bugging my heart and mind too.
I am not a superhero. I am not Darna nor Wonder woman. I am just, ME.
I am a simple woman who gets hurt over issues. Knows how to fight emotions but just don't know until when. Knows how to love and take care of all the people I care for even if at times, I don't feel loved in return. Knows how to sacrifice things just for my loved ones. Knows how to acknowledge my faults and weaknesses.
The lesson I learned lately was " If I talk, I will be misunderstood. If I kept silent, I am also misunderstood. Either way around, I am still misunderstood. So, better zip my mouth and just open my mind, heart and soul"
But the most important lesson learned was, in this time of uncertainties and trials, I still know how to bend my knees, bow my head and thank God for all the blessings I received everyday. Appreciate even the smallest blessings that I am not able to see as we always see the big picture in front of us.
Thank you Lord God for the strength amidst all the difficulties.
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